What do I want to focus on, listen to, and read?

Cartoon by me, Uva Be. October 26th, 2024

I search for good in the world. This led me to books about possible Utopias. Stories about when and how the quality of life for people had been improved. How did they do it? What did they do? I found a book The Utopians: Six Attempts to Build the Perfect Society by Anna Neima. 

4 of the 6 utopias were after World War I, one was as WWII was picking up and the last Utopia in the US was during the end of world WWII,... all the utopias disbursed. They made changes in people’s lives, but, the biblical curse of toil until the end of our days in the weeds of the wilderness remains. 

I realized around the time I turned 50 that I had read so many more books by authors that were male, that if I only read books written by women, I probably would never reach a 50/50 ratio in the total books I have read during my remaining life span. For my own personal perspective, I decided to try to only read books written by women. But, even with a list in hand, of authors suggested by Ursal K. Le Guin I found it challenging to find what I wanted to read. This was not a new experience, it is true of any specific subject, the best books are checked out for a reason. (again for personal mental reasons, not for anyone else). I decided, if I couldn’t find a book on a topic I was researching, then I could justify reading a book by a man, if I had previously read another book, on any topic, written by a woman. 

I’m writing this paragraph to answer my own question. What do I want to read? People will talk about the tone of the writing being differentiable when it is written by a woman, but I find, like woman drivers, all driving skills depend more on the personality and mental state of the driver and who is in the car with them. Authors write whatever fits their personality and on the knowledge base the subject of their writing is established in. Just like handwriting, it is not dependent on gender at all. The stereotypical choices and expectations of what to write about is up to the author. The life experiences that only women can share, that is what I wanted to add to my personal mental reading life. 

Seems like a simple enough question, like knowing yourself. Do you know yourself? Do you know what you really care about, want, need, beyond daily survival?

Me? I wish I was an author escaping into a fictional world. I’m happy when I am able to make art. … Butt with two ’t’s, so far, I’ve not been able to earn my survival with either. “Keep writing, keep making art.” Seems simple enough. Except artists and writers are filters of the time they live in. We humans are social creatures, we are all participants of our culture, the one we were are exposed to is technically “ours” like it or not. 

It’s a challenge to live as an isolated hermit, survive and stay sane. Eh,... same for everyone social butterfly or recluse. Anyone who has lived knows that life is many things, but it is not “fair” or equal, even normal as far as I can tell seems to be a myth. And just when we might figure something out, understand something, other people meddle with our day. How many lives go as planned I wonder? If you continue reading, I wonder how many years into the future will people wonder why we made the choices we made, or the things we ignored in this decade. 

What I want to ignore and forget. In our shared collective consciousness, the world who has watched TV, how many millions have seen “that man” dancing* in their nightmares? (If you can call that slow paced shuffle with clenched fits a dance).

The screens blare and repeat the same name, the same face imprinted on our face recognition, (willingly or not, according to neurology and the cognitive sciences we humans do have entire areas of our minds dedicated to face and voice recognition and if you can read, if you see a word, like a name, then you have read it), over and over again, we see that face, hear that voice, read that name. 

For how long has this been going on? I know it has been sustained above a normal level of exposure for the people of a healthy independent nation who consider themselves free. For many people the severity of the repetition is effectively brainwashing. 

For some who watched the TV show “he” was the lead of for the first 14 seasons. The show aired on multiple channels from 2004 till 2017. And never having seen this TV show myself, I don’t know if there were reruns, I’ve only seen still images, been exposed to clips of video via other shows, mostly comedy news, and skimmed search results to write his paragraph. 

What is my point? He is just a human like the rest of us. This news media politics brainwashing is a symptom of a much larger, long-term problem. Am I writing this for myself so that I may free my own mind, to be able to focus on my personal, daily existence. Yes, of course. “They” say, move on, get over it. I am working on forgiving and then forgetting, but I’m not quite there yet. Forgive who, for what? Only the brainwashed ask that question. If you asked yourself that question only you can figure it out, for yourself, and only for yourself. No one can undo brainwashing from outside your mind. The rebuttal in my mind says, everyone is already saying the same things to themselves and to each other. Retrospect what use is it? Does mob mentality ever learn from history? Her story waits silenced again. We all just have to survive the next four years.

So I ask the reader the same question I first asked myself. What do you want to focus on, listen to, and read?

................................space................................

If I was doing NaNoWriMo this year, I just "won", Nov 19th, 2024

I was planning on taking a break from social media for the month of December 2024, to think and write, undisturbed. But, I have decided to start, now, today ......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................this is my vow of silence. Seen but not heard. If I don't have anything nice to say, why say anything at all, or like my Mother said, if you are going to cuss, at least be creative and imagine the meaning of each of your cuss words. 

P.s. Dec 11th, for my end of year 2024 writing goal of 100k, I just passed 70k word count last night.

Writing to the end of 2024

#inktober drawing for the 17th thru 22nd

 

I’m ending this year by writing. 2024, it’s been quite a year so far. Today is November 4th. The election is tomorrow, over half of the Nation has already voted, and it’s so stressful, like the pressure and drool just before you throw up. The world is spinning, just enough to make balance feel off, and you are not happy-drunk to numb the pain. That’s how it feels at my house anyways. 

BFF’s job, the giant company that bought the small company he worked for, for over a decade, is laying off another wave of people. Good people, some of them, contractors who are in the Ukraine, their wives and children in asylum, far away in other countries. It’s heartbreaking, he knows it’s bad for them. One of the contractors is also taking care of his elderly Dad, who also is not allowed to leave the country with the women and children, who are now not there to take care of the elderly men. 

And here I am, sincerely grateful to be American. I’ve already voted and checked to make sure my ballot got to the counting machine. 

Last month, October, I distracted myself by doing #inktober an ink drawing per day in October. It was nice, but reminded me why I’m not a cartoonist. I did seriously consider becoming a cartoonist. Several times over the course of my life actually, not just last month. I love cartoons, not comic books really, cartoons, the silly scribbly ones with more jokes and less fighting. 

My plan for November was to do NaNoWriMo but something has happened with the company having to do with AI and a small but bad conspiracy about grooming children. I sure hope that is a lie. The Ai stuff? It’s there in print, and I don’t agree. I think people churning out Ai generated trained novels and articles in a sham, and I don’t like it. I think the Ai should be doing fact checking for lies in the news, and writing author and artist credits -- to stop humans intellectual property and creative work from being stolen, not doing the stealing, or this so called creative work of humans.  I can barely even stand autocorrect or the Ai that suggests crap when I’m trying to chat with my family. Grammar is to change over time. That is the nature of human language. Dictionaries are useful communication tools, but being able to choose your own words is a freedom of speech level issue, especially when talking with your loved ones. 

I do very sincerely appreciate spelling help. I do also need help with homophones, words that sound like other words but have another meaning, I stumble over these two issues a lot. But, if I have an ideal, it is an ideal and if I have an idea, then it’s an idea and the two are not the same even if idea is the more popular word. It’s very, very tiresome to believe you have the right to choose your own words and have to fight as you type to make some Ai stop changing what you are attempting to communicate, especially if you are writing poetry, or fiction dialogue, have a funny non common spelled name (you think it would learn how to spell the authors name, but no?) and never mind the spelling of terrible character’s names. Ai. There’s a line. Don’t cross it will me or I’m going to get a brainless text editor. Oh, and I know I need a human editor. There's never been any doubt about that. If they succeed in an Ai editor that can help me polish my writing, not break it up and destroy it? Then they may have an actual intelligent algorithm happening.

I need to write. I haven’t been writing. It’s time. I need to write for other people so I had planned to do a 100k word count NaNoWriMo goal this month, but then everyone says boycott the company. And so I found another counting site. And of course just like Twitter turning into X and social networking being splintered into many directions, in my case. 5? Let’s see, ummm.. Facebook, (that I can barely stand but is where the most people I know are), Instagram, now owned by Facebook, but I don’t always have photos to share, and then BlueSky, Mastodon and Threads that I rotate ignoring. Oh, and Reddit. It’s 6 apps now that I waste my procrastination time with. 

Anyways. I’ve been writing again. I started November 1st, with 3,422 words. Nov 2nd, I was up to 7,055 words, I moved to https://trackbear.app/ on November 3rd, added my NaNoWriMo word count there, and ended the evening yesterday 8,481 the last word count update to NaNoWriMo. And today, via Track Bear, my morning writing word count was 11,687. 

Onwards, peace and love, ☮ +💚, Uva Be 

P.s. the illustration for this blog post is a screenshot of 6 of my ink drawings as posted on my Instagram feed. 

P.s. #2 Nov. 5th, can't sleep. Word count as of 6:31 a.m. 13,402. 

Why I really want to ask minor party 2024 presidential candidates to drop out, but am not doing so.

 I want to write a “letter” (really just this blog post), asking Jill Stein and Chase Oliver to drop out and endorse Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, … but that’s unAmerican and not democratic of me. 

Image credit. This is a screen shot from ballotpedia.org

The full list of 2024 Presidential candidates is crazy long, just look at this dear American registered voter, click this and scroll “FOREVER”!!! Actually 1,212 people!

The reason, I really want to ask the minor party candidates to drop out and endorse Kamala Harris has two parts. 

FEDERAL ELECTIONS 2016: Election Results for the U.S. President, the U.S. Senate and the U.S. House of Representatives

1. The 2016 official final vote count. 

A screen shot of the final numbers from Page 6. Of the US Federal Elections Commission report from 2016. The link to the full .pdf to Read and weep.

The second reason, is not because of who won, but the real reason why I’m writing this blog post is because the US Electoral College is broken and working against the will of the majority of Americans. As evidenced by the 2016 election and 2000 US Presidential Elections where the majority of the American people voted for the candidate who did not win. 

Personally, I’ve never recovered my disillusionment with the failure of our presidential election system Al Gore versus W. Bush in 2000. My ears still sting with “that” News broadcaster calling the election for W. Bush BEFORE the votes were counted!!! I can still see him in my mind’s eye committing treason against the American people pointing at a chart while votes were still rolling in. Haunting my memories I can still hear the lame stream news, in the final days leading up to the that election saying over and over how the candidates were the same?! It was so surreal, it was so obvious (esp. In retrospect) one was for climate change (An Inconvenient Truth … https://algore.com/library/an-inconvenient-truth ) and the other was for drill baby drill. And here we are 24 years later. And for me, THAT election is IMHO is the one that may have destroyed us. The what-ifs just kill me. 

Could 9/11 been prevented with a different Administration in the White House? Would we be in a more competitive era via technology and renewable energy with a more tech savvy, globally conscious president fighting for us instead of sending us to war in the Middle East? (because 9/11 didn’t happen in this imaginary time-line). But, reality.. You know, deal with it. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_presidential_elections_in_which_the_winner_lost_the_popular_vote

Soooooooooooo? “Sigh” instead of writing a blog post about why Jill and Chase should drop out and endorse Kamala, it would be better if ALL OF THE CANDIDATES instead endorsed the vote of the American people! 

How? The news media could ask all of the candidates running in the 2024 election if they support a congressional amendment to update the electoral college for free and fair elections. 

The US Electoral College needs to be an issue in this 2024 election. The fact that this process is working against the will of the majority of the American people needs to be addressed and amended. 

The candidates themselves need to make a promise to the American people, that if elected as POTUS they would have a national discussion to prepare an amendment before congress to repair the out of balance electoral college system to fairly represent the vote of the American people to support free and fair elections and the peaceful transition of power. 

And for obvious reasons, we the people can’t get this done during the last less than 50 days of this year’s US presidential election. All we can do as voters is vote for the candidate who promises to support free and fair elections. 

And sorry, Jill and Chase and all the other candidates “running” for POTUS in this joke of a broken system. You too have no option but to cast your vote and either throw it away as a protest, or vote for someone who has a chance in hell of winning in the system as it currently is. 

P.S. Just in case anyone wondered. It’s my personal policy to research all the candidates in the primary, and vote for whomever I like best IN THE PRIMARY. But, when it’s down to the wire, in the actual November or midterm elections. I vote for the candidate who has the greatest odds for winning (even if I only kinda sorta like them).

And in the 2020 primary, researching everybody on my ballot, watching the debates over four years ago now, I voted for someone else in the 2020 primary, but, Kamala Harris was in my top 5 list out of all those super candidates we had to choose from before their was only two old white men running. 

Putting Social Media into Perspective

I could have just searched for statistics instead of wasting a couple hours on two and half days on this. Why not just let the pros-sort the data.

Reddit just surpassed X in 2024 

In the last three years Reddit rose to 23% and X (formerly known as Twitter) declined to 22%

Pew Research

---

Which social media platforms are most popular

https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/fact-sheet/social-media/

 

50. free association posts on one blog page, this page, posted across 6 social media apps, in one day, just to see what happens. 

I’ve decided not to do another little experiment. Many posts across 5 social media apps in one day. X, FB, BS, M, and Th. Plus photos of paper notes on IG. 

I’ve feeling lonely today specifically because I miss all the “little” conversations with people on social media. 

I don’t feel like talking to people around me in the real. It’s a problem. It’s my problem, I know, it’s me. It’s an eye contact thing, and a couple other factors that I just don’t feel like dealing with today. 

Right now I’d rather hear what other people want to talk about rather than answer questions about myself. … Tired of myself. …. Want to be distracted.

Why do I have to have a point? What if I just want to be? …. Sit on a rock and listen to the world around me. 

Social media was for a while for me and other people like me a place to listen, hear what people wanted to say enough to type. 

I really miss the cartoonists. Not just the published in the New Yorker cartoonists. But, the one who work so much their’s no way they can respond, they have to have a publicists friend/fan. 

I miss other artists. I loved to see some random work-in-progress. A photo from their walk. Listen to the view expanding details of their thoughts about art.

I miss other people’s pets. BFF is deadly allergic to cats. He gets a sinus infection, like for weeks, he’d be miserable if we had a cat. And I’m too annoyed by the noise, chewing and shit in the bags of dogs. 

 Shit in plastic bags is a trigger that reminds me of homeless people. Plastic bags add to the environmental impact of dogs. Carnivores adding to the meat industry, their life energy turned to shit, put in how many billions of plastic bags now? 

 How much people love dogs and cats, reminds me of how apathetic we are towards each other. We love our pets for scapegoats because we can’t love each other as much as we need. 

 See, I went there. I shouldn’t be “talking” I should be listening. Just enjoy the cute cat photos. Enjoy the dogs that bring home the bear cub. Don’t think about the fish runs or where is mama bear.

 I’m like that person who gives a raccoon cotton candy. Why would you do that? Raccoons want your goldfish or cat food. I don’t want to take selfies or ask for money. Guess I’m actually more like the raccoon then the cruel person who did that.

I don’t even know if I’m up for this social media test. Did you guess what it is? It’s quantity instead of “quality”. That’s what I’m trying to test. But, I need a plan better then just free association posts in a list. 

I cut up slips of paper while I ponder what to do next. I like paper. I like ink, all types of coloring pencils, pastels, charcoal and yes even crayons, and I enjoy brushing all types of paint. 

Hate that Apple add where it smashed up all our favorite things, in the same way that Apple has destroyed hard drives of my personal data – twice. 2007 when I got a new laptop. And this year when iCloud gutted my 2008 iPhone destroying years of personal photos why? For their profit?

I think 100 text posts may be too many. I’m at 17 and am already thinking, 50 is a better quantity sample size. But, even 50 may be a bit too much. We shall see I guess?

 If I’m starting to get bored, how bored must you be if you are trying to read this? What social media app are you on? Have you done a test like this yourself? 

This is only a test of the social media by a broad casting texts out via copy & paste. If this was a photo of my bare ass would you “listen” or heart me?

 Everybody likes a full moon. 

I think they do. 

Let me know if you don’t like the moon.

It’s like fluffy clouds. Who doesn’t like a blue sky with fluffy clouds? I wonder what kind of person doesn’t like sky photos? 

Did you know that the internet isn’t finished? Yeah, not a joke, they started this ip - ping thing, and it took off and the code is half baked and rebaked, like 19 pies in the same damn pan, not one of the pies cleaned up. 

People, we need to understand the information age isn’t working as it could, not yet. Today we could actually have real global democracy. With all the complex flavors, sorted by subject by AI – all the URIs in URLs, enough for everyones’ voice and ideas.

That scares “them” you know. People are scary. It’s true. But, it’s simultaneously true that 97.5% of us just want to be. Love who we love, work on our own dreams, write our own words, make art, music, pottery, etc… 

When you think about human history. It’s scary. I hear the word communism and I see RED. I see blood. Same with monotheism, misogyny and racism. Except then I smell rotting flesh in shallow graves. Too soon. Next subject.

Yeah, sooooooooooooooo….? I never in 10-hundred-year-lifespans EVER imagined that I would attempt to write a political parody. I tolerate politicians as a necessary evil. 

 I sincerely love people. At a safe distance. As long as they aren’t bothering me. 

I’m on another level of introvert. I’m a recluse. If you meet me I exude nervous energy. I’m genuinely friendly. Honest. Can’t lie even when I want to. 

Enough about me. 

When I type some blurb about myself, or worse, a blurb talking about other people, I feel recursive guilt or more like this nagging feeling that grows into paranoia. Soooooooo….? Why am I typing this?

There’s no blathering on and getting a high from it for reclusive people like me. Talk therapy can actually have a negative impact if a person doesn’t like to talk (and/or) dislikes how the therapist thinks. 

The exception for introverts, the line,  is love. If you love me, and you actually listen, and I’m not paying you. I’ll still not get a release or feel good from talking, but I will move on knowing the next step is solid. 

Even when talking to “no one”. Texting faceless nicknames on a following/friends list, if the sentiment is real, even if we are just talking about a gif or food or the weather. Those little conversations are also solid to me. 

Accumulated read words add layers to our collective consciousness. Regardless of if words are in books, on a box of cereal, social media, paper letters, in the lame stream news, etc… – neurology has proven, if you see a word and you can read, you read the word. 

When you look at your social media feed do you see more people you know or more advertising, posts from groups and videos from strangers, most not even close to where you are. Scroll, do a count and reply if you like. 

 FYI, FB 156 friends, and I see less than 2 or 3 posts from people I used to talk with every few days. I asked an AI about this a couple years ago. It said, They are sorting by what is popular, because their goal is add revenue. 

 Some good news first. Since I’ve been complaining about this, I’ve actually been seeing more posts by people I know. But, check the dates. Today in FB I scrolled and counted 4 at a ratio of 3:1 people I don’t know, advertising, groups. Then a 5th from 3 days ago. 

I just made myself feel ill going down the list and seeing who posted this year. I didn’t make it all the way to the end of the list. I got to 76 to find the 4 posts I saw scrolling today. 

Time for lunch. I made some mixed leftovers pot pies cleaning out my freezer. Turkey soup, vegan green curry and potato to thicken the soup. It’s pretty good actually. 

 Scrolling FB profiles today, how many people posted in a ratio to the 4 I just scrolled and counted. 17/83 today, most hours ago, so technically shouldn’t those 17 posts have been in my feed before the 5th post from 3 days ago?

Today is Sept 5th, 14 more people posted in Sept. 30/83 profiles I checked. 16 more people posted in late August. I recall seeing only 4 or 5 of those, but it’s too far in the past to count as I’ve been mostly in-active on Social media. 

 Soooooooo…? I didn’t make it to 50 even. I’ve wasted half a day on this, and hell no! I’m not doing any charts or gathering any data on that horrible web site again. I can barely stand it, why expect others to go spend time there?

The next day, Sept 6th, 2024. To be fair, I’ve never really liked Facebook. – College app developed to posts who-is-hot-or-not, FB coined the term everything-but-her-face. = My personal name for Facebook is Facebutt. 

Well, I’m bored of being negative already. I know the world is actually half full of piss and almost everyone has a butt.  In that context Facebutt is a true enough name for the social media giant.

Something good? The year before I stopped being a regular on Twitter (now rebranded as X). I listed 365 things I like as a life-satisfaction exercise. IMO we should all do that. All at once. Everyone in the world should list 365 things they like. 

Just imagine if Everyone listed 365 things they like across all social media platforms?!!! It doesn’t have to be one thing per day all year. It could be as many as they can think of during lunch for as long as it takes to list 365 things. 

Listing 365 things you like is not as easy as it sounds. It’s a very good challenge, and you have to keep a list if you want to prevent repeats. But, it’s a big enough number to really make you think about what you like in your life.

Even if you don’t want to list 365 things you like, there are lots of little reality “exercises” you can do. Breathe and think about how you would spell phonetically what your breath sounds like. 

Be aware of the details of the world around you, even if you just sit and sense (with the senses your body has) and ask yourself. What is that? Texture, sound, smell, flavor, color, scale to me? 

Thank you for listening/reading. Know, you are not alone. We share the limited material of this planet together. Air, water, soil, mineral and most of all life energy. We are tinier than ants to the Earth, and each consciousness is as large as the known universe. ☮️+💚Uva Be

--------------

Results from this test so far? 

So I posted the same 50 text posts on 5 different apps. It took 59 minutes and during that time or shortly after. 

I got 4 hearts, a new follow, who I followed back and a reply on Mastodon, 

One heart from 1/50 on Blue Sky, 

and later, two hearts and boost on threads. 

And the same friend who added a heart and a boost on threads, plus one friend from a past art work study clay studio 2 people for a total of 11 responses on FB. 

Also, I've been getting zero notifications from X for a while now. So no surprise, na da there. I think it is officially a dead social media app. 

So? I don't know yet. But, further experiments may be in the future. 

Not likely FB related. Probably more literary and serious or art related, Like ink October (#inktober) because, ya gotta make yourself happy. And what makes me happy? Art and writing. :) 

Day after results:

Saturday Sept 7th 1:30 after lunch. 

Two new heart/likes on FB.

Two replies on Threads. One was rather ify in tone, but, honestly I'm just thankful for the feedback to know that someone saw it. 

The other one was a positive conversation like the replies that used to happen all the time on old Twitter. 

And 1 more follow on Mastodon, but ... I don't usually follow back people with no posts, and iffy profiles. It usually leads to more harm than good. If you want a follow back, post something worth following. That's all. And IMO just being human and talking about stuff in the world is good enough. 

Tho, sorry, not for FB and IG. It's just too much bombardment from people who are not artists or cartoonists, writers or people leading group chats, etc... 

In conclusion the following Monday after 50 text test on 5 social media apps. 

Facebook, in-spite of my complaints, actually didn’t block me and I got more feedback there then I have gotten for years. 

I’ve scrolled my Home feed twice, the ratio of strangers to 1 post from Friends is still, 1 post from a friend to at least 4 with a blue link to follow, join, sponsor (a.k.a. advertising). I do think people responded to my activity with more activity, so technically Facebook is currently the most functional as a social media app.

Mastodon even tho much smaller pool of followers/following was second in feedback. 

Threads was a distant third. Also, tag CreativeThreads today resulted in exactly the type of posts I search for.

BlueSky is sorting posts in a more logical way I think? I guess it’s still functioning? Not sure yet. 

X? Zilch, nothing, since the last haiku I posted there. Formerly my favorite as the old Twitter, now dead last and the real reason I did this stupid test. X is completely broken unless you’re a troll, a bot, or #19 porn. 

Really? Seriously, asking. ... Am I THE cat lady?

 

Extraterrestrial Dog-person, speaking, while Cat-person types notes.

Lately I’ve been spending a bit more time on Facebook, since the decline of Twitter and the eventual transition into X. 

A couple of days ago after getting very disturbed by something I observed on Threads, that I couldn’t (still can’t) wrap my mind around. I found myself on Facebook strolling the videos. Something I DO NOT DO… I can’t stand 97% of videos on the interwebs. Personally, I’d rather read instructions. Yeah, I’m’ one of those people. I’m also (perhaps ironically?) a film person, as in used to use actual film, as an art form, because it was beautiful stuff. 

I’m not against digital images, at all. They are just another art form, like oil painting versus clay and fired glazes used to make ceramic art, for tens of, thousands of years. They just aren’t the same thing. They are each their own stuff. 

Get to my point already? The types of videos most commonly shared on social media are… very slow, never seem to get to their promised punch line (click bait), apparently, on purpose? Are they keeping you there, because of adds on the side of the page or other area of your phone, if you are using FB on a phone, are there adds chosen for you, with your meta-data there, based on the length of the videos? 

Duh? So what? Your point? I know artists animators and filmmakers can and do make better short videos. Why aren’t we (the collective we) watching those? 

Yes, I do look at statistics and of course, Facebook is competing for the masses time/attention with YouTube. Etc… So, as the money goes, I have again, answered my own question. – Just not the quality question of why we spend our time, watching these, psychology based anger-equals-clicks,  slow, boring IMO, -- why these videos?! … #question. 

Again and again, I answer my own questions. The lizard brain (if you let it) will watch cute animals, and things that make us angry (like hurt animals) or people being mean to other people – apparently for hours. 

Soooooooooooo? (my favorite word lately, is so with too many ‘o’s as a question, to release stress. Like a good exhale. 

Soooooooooo, ... -- I am asking, because that is what I do. Question and triple-fact-check everything, ...

sincerely, and (I suspect) possibly one of THE original childless “cat” ladies, 

☮+💚(peace and love), @Uva_Be 

change and stay the same

UBD's 1990's art

 

Some things stay the same ...

June 21st 2024

As I work away from this story, (Un-Un-Cat, the unfinished past replaced by the next project). Sanity slowly creeps in, in waves, like the tide. The mental conflict leveling over time like a heaping pile of compost turning slowly into rich soil. Yes, I implied it, it was shit, politics gobbled up all that it could and shat it out. 

But, plants and interesting critters remain waiting for me to feed them, some of them growing like weeds and feeding themselves, other habits gone wild and feral as a grumpy mood. It takes time to tame them. All things in their place in the chaotic garden that is a human mind.

☮+💚 @Uva Be

too much internet self-help mantra

 

digital marshmallows (search marshmallow test)

It is natural to construct a mental defense when bombarded by too much emotional stuff. 

It can become a challenge to accept yourself and your surroundings as is, when desensitized and bombarded by too much screen data. 

Today’s entire world view has been shattered by social media, it is not just you.

Who are you? 

Where are you? 

What is important in your life?

Breathe. Deep breathe, exhale. 

Repeat as needed. 

The long version.

Social Media and Lame Stream News, self-help mantra

What’s really upsetting me is – my entire world view and our collective consciousness has been shattered by irreconcilable data. 

I constructed a mental defense, what Jung calls a projection of identity. If I can work my thoughts out of these mental habits with better thoughts it would be good to do so. And if I need help, seek guidance.

The reasons why I constructed this mental identity projection are vast and complex, because life is not simple. And any who have lived know that life is not easy.

What is most important today is to diligently try to accept myself and my situation as I am, and to observe the actual reality around me as it is.

The extended world via the internet, while it is connects our lives via the time we live in, only specific threads are actually impacting my personal day to day life.

Yes, I acknowledge that I have an honest emotional response, but for my sanity I can only process a specific measure of the negative channel. Too much negative or even too much “world cake” the cute, and attractive, even the good things that are more than I can deal with on a personal level = less is better. 

2024 election for POTUS is about getting over the boomer generation

Partisan politics, killing Americans ... since? Reagan and W. Bush, actually. I could site examples, but the deaths that were a results from US States where governors reduced voting locations and refused to allow people to not wait in line for hours, to safely vote by mail in the Nov 2020 election, you can chart the death spikes in December, district by district. Isn't that enough already? 

P.s. Just FYI Cancer is the second leading cause of death in the US. And the young cancer mortality rate (under 49) was 15% in the 90s, and in the 2000s was around 13.4%. YOUNG Americans, cancer. A death rate 100 times that of COVID19. And THIS is the moonshot partisan politics in Congress just had a pissing contest with, and the cost? ... Congress, please explain your vote to an American young cancer patient's family. 

The 2nd World War had ended 1945-ish, and those who survived celebrated by having sex, giving birth to the boomer generation. And now the boomers are 80-ish. When they were young they changed history. But, the world has never gotten over World War II because it changed the trajectory of the oil age. Fossil fuels have changed the world. 

For the first time since the 60s, another generation old enough to vote, finally outnumbers the boomers. But, Congress. The boomers dominate Congress. So here we are 2024.

We lucky survivors of the pandemic and the opioid crisis get to "choose" between a "Federation Admiral" (Star Trek) and a Thunderdome Old-Father, who treats women like cattle, (Mad Max). 

IMO, the State of the Union, the old man did good. I heard about a lot of things that I didn't know were going on in the US. 

All I heard from the "lame stream" media was the constant lies (their POV) and repetitive talking points that I personally consider brainwashing. 

And now? We just have to survive the next four years, and work on replacing Congress and POTUS with younger Americans by 2028. 

If the 2024 Washington State Primary is a good indicator for the Nov election for POTUS. ... There are some VERY scary and sad numbers weighing in.

January blog Post for the US 2024 Primary

February is not worth a new blog post. So, I'll add a note to the top here and probably write a new blurb in June, because March will matter, many big population states weigh in then.  

Okay, just gotta stay sane for a few months and then this will be over. This year is about processing and getting over THAT man. 

Sorry America, it seems like none will get what we want in #2024. #vote2024

https://www.reuters.com/graphics/USA-ELECTION/PRIMARIES/gkplxymmwpb/dem/

So far, “many Americans”, (as in those I’ve talked with here and there over the past couple of months), are totally dreading the 2024 presidential election. 

And it’s only January!  

The Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire primary… Are all that has happened so far this year, and personally, I found I was already irritated to cussing in all caps. No not, in a social media post, but in my Google searches. 

Why? Because Biden was a write-in in New Hampshire. 

It upset me that the people of New Hampshire, their primary votes are diminished by a snit between the State Republican leaders and the DNC. AND it bothered me that the Biden campaign would be so arrogant to assume our POTUS didn’t need to be on the ballot in the New Hampshire primary. 

The all caps specifically happened when the only results I could find in search where for the Republican candidates. As if the Democrat and Third party candidates don’t exist. The news media reporting with zero balance about the ratio of Red versus Blue, with no data on any 3rd party votes. 

Instead the lame stream news media mooned us with repeating loops of close-ups of Trump’s orange pores, the text saying only that he had won? 

Excuse me?! What the… won what?! The Democrat and 3rd party votes are not in yet!

Won 15% to 20% of the voters? What percentage of the total Iowa Caucus did that man win? Oh M beeping G!!! Zero beeping info about how the Democrat’s Iowa Caucus was mail-in, accepting ballots until mid Feb, and no result would be reported until March 5th. 

Do you *beep* *Beep!* *beeping-beeps!* in the lame stream news even Beeping think, at all?! Do you get how *beeping* terrible that actually is to the voting public?! *beep, beeeeeeeep Beeeep. I’m so mad there are not enough cuss words in the verse and it’s only Beeping January!!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_the_2024_United_States_presidential_election#2024

All I want for Christmas is a mental health break from cancer

How do you take a "breather" (give yourself a break) when it's mental health? 

A two and a half word answer. You don't. 

Cussing warning, there's F-bombs in this blog post.

As a few people know, my Mom is going through chemo for Christmas. As I type this she is pulling her hair out into huge piles onto the arms of her reading chair. "There's enough for three birds nests. All my life the hairdresser admired how thick my hair is..." She goes on in a creepy way that is VERY not in-line with my memories of her. My Mom is intelligent, examples: she remembers all the names in biology, can still identify many plants when out walking and all the parts of a human from nursing school. And unlike me and my Dad, she can spell. When questioned she can recall more grammar and spelling rules then I ever learned; yet understands creative prose and writer's style being valued over what is technically correct English. And my Mom’s handwriting used to be the neatest cursive I've ever seen.

 … And now? Her handwriting is jagged and scrolling all over the place, she’s crossing out words and grumbling about messing up Christmas cards. "Chemo brain is real." She says to me glancing up in frustration. “I’m not sending a reply Christmas card right now.”... Maybe she will try again later?

What surprises me (should have know better), I'm more upset about her suffering than I expected. Having gone through chemo myself, as we are a BRCA1 family, I was mistaken when I imagined I would handle it and be helpful because I could relate to what she is going through. Instead the actual helplessness of reality, watching it physically drain her, is? ... I'm having to work very hard to not be angry at cancer, and worse the health team administering the chemo. Okay, I yelled once over the phone. I’d never do that in person. Never. I don’t do well with the disconnect of voices over the phone, sorry to whomever wasn’t able to answer our questions. 

No doctor or nurse who is able to answer our questions has done so, they just let her ramble incoherently and checked a box, as if they did something. And we have not yet met this latest oncologist. There is zero survivorship care, palliative or mental health care as an option for my Mom from this care team.

Soooooo...? Mental health huh? Walking, reading, art therapy, writing therapy and playing video games, there's no mental health care professional in this story for me either. I've been attempting to get survivorship mental health care since 2018, actually before that, but that's when I knew I was losing it, and really needed help. I'm embarrassed by how crappy our access to mental health care is in America. Even guidelines for people to help deal with other folks who are not doing well mentally, is a bad joke that makes the situation worse. Don't. Just don't feed my your crap about this site or that, the latest trend or meme in mental health care. If you haven't been through 24 years and three rounds of being butchered alive by cancer starting at age 26, then shut the fuck up! I need someone who understands/works with young cancer survivors before I'm dead, thank you very much. And I know I'm a rarified demographic. So, I haven't given up, I'm just looking for the correct doctor. Also, it's too late now. 

When I really needed help, I didn't get it. I'm already turning into an old dog that refuses to learn new tricks. Huh what am I saying? When I was young I remember seeing some middle aged lady ranting, very unhappy (more than once). When I was a teenager she was an old lady. I remember wondering then, what happened in her life to make her that way. And now, I'm her, still middle aged according to my folks. My Dad says he thinks middle age is the most difficult mentally. When you are young, you are young. When you are old there’s no expectations for you. When you are middle aged, then it’s what have you done with your life, and you better hurry up and do it before you are really old and start to decline physically so much that you are no longer able to do it, whatever it is that you are going to do with your life. 

Neurotransmitters. I believe more in those chemicals and neurology than I do in psychology. Psychology is not a science. Tho, after the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM; latest edition gets done “cancelling” vague and broad and wrong mental diagnosis(s), and the field stops poisoning people by throwing prescriptions without care at people. Medicines that have the opposite drug reaction bidirectional from the expected outcome, or too much of a delicate combination that needed to be prescribed in a lesser dose, for a shorter time, in combination with therapy, and appropriate physical therapy (as our minds are attaches to our bodies), and nutritional science, please. Psychology may get there, into the realm of scientific possibility, some day. 

Why, if I am so down on the entire field of psychology am I complaining about lack of access to mental health care? Deep sigh and a long pause. My life experience, the one time I was sent to a mental health specialist after several major cancer surgeries, I was prescribed one of the mildest "mood" medications on the market. And I tried it, let him convince me to try it for a recommended time, to see if it helped. And I HATED it, I had a paradoxical reaction, and quit cold turkey. Yeah great. How many of the tragedies we hear about in the news are the result of someone who is mentally troubled, being off of their meds? Or worse, being over prescribed so that they feel nothing at all, as they do horrible things. 

Luckily in my case it was only the depression/anxiety "voltmeter" reading being wrong. The what? The voltmeter is in quotes because it is not science. Many people have told me that I have depression. And the evidence, again and again, proves that the primary symptom of depression is the entire signaling system (including your immune system) shutting down, while the primary symptom for anxiety is worry, and high blood pressure, etc... at the other end of the "voltmeter". Wah la, you give someone, even a mild drug for depression, when they are actually sad about something real, (like cancer destroying their life) but they have anxiety, then you get a bidirectional reaction opposite of the expected outcome. To be fair, it's not physically possible for any drug to act on only one symptom, there are over 100 known neurotransmitters, and the actual number is unknown. All these neurochemicals work together in "chains", and in cycles day and night, with other body chemicals, like the gut mind connection. Pour that on top of my favorite self-medication that is a very mild downer with other herbal relaxants, like hops, a.k.a. beer, and you get a mess, that's the opposite of helpful. 

Yes, I am a very mild case. Like one or two good beers is my chemo "tested" liver's limit. Even my cussing is specifically directed at cancer and the American healthcare billing system 83% of the time ... and because of added suffering because of medical errors over the course of my 24 years of “surviving”, medical records upsets me 10% of the time. 

Medical records is a real trigger for me. That lack of important medical information is what is troubling me about my Mom’s situation right now. To sum up my rant, Cancer, medical records and healthcare billing earn a total of 93% of my rage. Not the care givers of any specialty, not the doctors. Not even the psychologists! And certainly not the therapists and nurses in the trenches. 

Sooooo...? No mental health breaks for any of us for Christmas. Just sit around being jolly and merry, "Ho, Ho, Ho!" while pumped full of sugar (the number one "drug" problem in the USA is sugar IMHO). Nothing makes my mood swing more than a sugar crash. But, this year? There's not much sugar in the house. Last week's peanut butter cookies are long gone. And the focus for cooking and snacking is on healthy small meals to deal with chemo. I just gotta stay sane, don’t worry (don’t spiral things all out of proportion) and remember to breathe. 

P.s. Note to self, blog post is too long again, it won’t relate to a lot of people, does the title imply this? The real mental health “break” is to forgive yourself for being human. You are you. Know yourself to learn how to respect who you are, so you are able to get to love and peace. 

And to fellow cancer survivors. It’s okay to think “Fuck gratitude and pink ribbons and all that crap”, when it’s honestly how you feel. Get it all out, and then get back to living for what’s given in each moment, one day at a time.

☮🧠s (peace brains) Uva Be 

“Happy” New Years. 

January 3rd, 2024

My Mom is in pain. She is exactly the type of patient that the pain meds would work the best for, for her body, for what is happening to her because of cancer, cancer surgeries and chemo. She is exactly who the pain meds were designed for. Yes, I repeated my point a lot there. 

BUT,... "evil" people, like the ones who messed with my medical bills, in 2019 and 2020, adding thousands of dollars of retail pharmacy where there was none. In my case, when scheduling pre-op called I requested alternating Tylenol and ibuprofen. I took zero prescription pain meds after my last major cancer surgery in 2020. 

But, the VERY messed up medical bills, the ones that required multiple reports to the state insurance commissioner to be filed. Wasting everybody's time, medical records to billing and back again, wasting more money and time, the State's money, insurance money, oh and my time. Time that IMO, should have been focused on healing or making art or writing. 

Now, years later, my Mom is dealing with weird alternatives (okay drugs for nausea and for her comfort that I don’t understand) because of other people, because of the opioid epidemic, and all the other pain pills I personally don't even care enough about to know the names of. 

And this is in addition to an adjusted rate the chemo is given from every week, to every three weeks. Five years ago, in 2018, my Mom's chemo was every/7 days. This time in 2023 the chemo infusion is every three weeks/21 days. They told us it was a National trend in the US. effectively tripling the dose they infuse at one time. 

And I’m angry about mental health? When as far as I have witnessed there isn’t even enough oncologists and other members of the chemo infusion teams to treat all the cancer patients at the same rate as they have been? 

Yes. That is a question. I have had no confirmation of if this is a National trend to infuse the same amount of chemo, or treat 3 times more patients with 1/3rd of the infusion team work days, or not. Because I'm a writer who looks at these things I've looked at population demographics. And hey, that's why I wrote Un-Un-Cat.  The M in HUMAN. Trying to imagine a way to start working a way out of this mess for all of us in the USA. Not that I solved it, or anything. But, just like this blog post, I figure it's better to try, even if no one reads it, then it's just catharsis for my own sanity.